COMING HOME - The Long Way Back
The last year or so has been so incredibly tough on many of us.
Whilst I’ve been in touch with some, I’ve had many good hearted friends wondering with comments such as, “you’ve just disappeared!” and the like.
Usually I just love the socials - Facey, Insta, YouTube and the like - however, all that had to be ‘put away’ for the territory I headed into towards the end of last year.
‘No reception’ if you will 🤣😳
Towards the end of 2020 I made a decision to step away from 25 years as a landscape gardener to pursue a deep interest in human behaviour and being able to serve others in that capacity.
To bring to bear nearly 12 years of deep study and application of what I dearly love. To pursue that vision I’d held for decades of creating sanctuary in others lives, planting flowers where once weeds grew wild, you know?
Do what you love, love what you do?
AND totally ignoring those that have said, "Ah what a load, you cant't do that!" to which I'd promptly ignore.
The usual, "Pfft!" snort of derision.
Little did I know of the swiftly incoming trajectory a meteor storm had in store.
Seemingly overnight, as if the sum of our lives were written upon a whiteboard, mine was WIPED CLEAN.
I had to turn away from the fruits of my first life and separate psychologically from the ordinary life of community. It was as if my whole life had become a riddle and I’d become a stranger to myself and others.
I was no longer willing - or even able - to continue life in the way I used to know it and had to loosen the beliefs about the world and the way I existed in it.
Re entering the rooms of recovery nearly 13 years ago was difficult but ‘this’?!
‘This’ was unknown territory, that’s for sure.
I’d never been so ‘empty’, finding it hard to do anything, even the easiest of ‘things’, talking to others, phone calls, emails, the easiest of Life stuff was difficult, spending much of the day just sitting, a deep all pervading feeling of ‘WTF?’ not really up to ‘doing’ anything, it was if all I knew and had known had been washed away in an enormous flash flood.
I’ve come to know it was a big transition from what and who I thought I was to who I am yet to be... in the ‘Gap’, you know? That crack between worlds just as it gets light at dawn but the sun has not risen.
Willingness to ride ‘this’ out was paramount as I reached out to others, dove into all my old journals and studies, books and books and did I say BOOKS??
“You’ll get this for Free but it will cost you everything”
Or
“Allow yourself to remember what you valued before someone convinced you it was worthless”
Or
“Look into the Void and find that image at the centre of your Being that you were born with.”
Aww c’mon.... 😳What the heck, God, ain’t I been doing THAT?? EFF off you clown 🙄
What the f—k was going on?? Had ‘this’ something to do with being left alone in an orphanage back in the 60’s? Had ‘this’ something to do with ‘Identity’? Who am I? Why am I here?
Bla bla bloody bla - on and On and ON, as I seemingly traversed a ‘dark night of the soul’, all of my Life’s gifts were apparent to others, yet ‘out of sight’, like trying to see a great view on a wet misty day, not quite being able to perceive what’s there, but knowing there is SOMETHING.
On and On ….
Seeds had begun to germinate deep within, yet to appear, but growing nevertheless.
A tiny spark had been struck.
Whisper quiet. Out of sight.
On and ON.
And as swiftly as it began, only 6 weeks ago, like a flash of lightning cracking across my life to date,💥⚡️💥, that spark roared to life, burning so brightly that it hurt.
It was as if these ‘new born’ eyes were crying in pain at the first look at the morning sun 🌞
Thanks Chris Rea for that eloquently line.
Many a memory poured forth and it was as clear as day that the path I had stepped upon, nearly ten months ago, that path that had seemingly crumbled to dust and had fallen away, that path I am to walk is well worn and very well lit by those that have gone before.
Write, they said.
WRITE! So many over the years have said.
When are you going to write??
✍😊 So I have 😊✍
As the fire within burned bright, within only 7 days of mad scramble scribing, I was head down.
Head down into an autobiographical trip thru my addiction and out the side poured forth, writing furiously as fast as it would come.
A first draft manuscript was completed, edited and after much wonderful feedback from others, the second manuscript was completed recently.
The fire within burns bright.
It seems that the journey I’ve been steeped in for decades is clear.
That the thoughts I’d had a little boy are true.
That the words of a long gone historical figure born in the southern plains of Nepal are true
That we are not apart from Nature, we ARE Nature herself.
It’s as if I’d come on home.
Hence the title of the book being,
‘COMING HOME - The Long Way Back’
As I’m now back ‘HOME’ if you will , stay tuned as I begin to share more about it and when it’ll be available.
Not long now!
It’s interesting this Life isn’t it?
Seven weeks into this lockdown that does not appear to be working, fourteen of those days quarantining with my family as all of them were deemed a ‘close contact’ to someone infectious.
Four negative Covid tests and two Pfizer vaxs later, it seemed I was resting easy, deeply inspired from within, that fire burning bright.
But ahh NO.
The last ten months has been HARD, for what of a better way of saying it to you.
This ol’ body’s immune system must have somehow been compromised. Clearly. 🙄
Nineteen days ago, the worst case of SHINGLES the doctors have seen in a while presented!
Down we go - AGAIN. Anti viral bigass pills were prescribed and taken. Paracetamol and ibuprofen to keep the inordinate pain at bay were utilised.
All manner of ‘natural’ remedies were tried and discarded as the only thing, THE ONLY THING, that has worked is good ol’ Aussie paw paw ointment.
That did the trick, helping me heal AND lessen the itch.
It flamin’ HURTS as the nerve endings heal, like holding a giant piece of dry ice against your skin on a freezing cold day. While at the same time being burned alive from within.
I certainly do NOT mind my internal fire burning bright, but THIS?? This is goddamn ridiculous!
As I heal from a reactivation of chicken pox from FIFTY YEARS ago, our Grace, less than a week ago, was seriously injured in an accident. 😞
Not only has she never been ‘away’ from family, she has never experienced fairly complicated plastic surgery to minimise the scarring after taking a fair chunk out of her left leg.
She now is resting in hospital - on her own - no visitors allowed because of this goddamn lockdown.
Thank goodness we live HERE in Australia at this time, in this place. With the best medical care available.
And iPhone and FaceTime!
It’s not quite the same as physical contact, but easier than NO contact at all, right?
We just want to hold her tight and let her know that all is well. But that’s a little tricky to do ‘over the phone’, isn’t it?
May the Gods of Healing think well of her as she passes through this tough time.
Just this morning I presented in ER at the same hospital, only one minute walk from our Grace.
Despite my best intentions, this blasted shingles has played havoc with my gastrointestinal tract.
Had the old twisted bowel from an accident a few years ago reared it’s unsightly head?
The pain had me buckled over, loathe to take any pain relief as - that alone - can bind ones insides up.
As I sat only 5 floors below our seriously injured - but safe - GraceDaughter, the medicos did what they could to figure out what the fluck was going on.
Head on my knees in pain, we all awaited the results of an Iodine CT scan.
Diverticulitis was mentioned as was a possible obstruction….
I was contemplating as I rocked back and forth, arms wrapped tightly around me.
Back and forth
Back and forth.
Could this be a physical manifestation of something from Beyond?
We all know - or at least many of us do - of the intricate connection between mind and body.
Back and forth wondering.
Praying.
Trying to breathe deep.
Praying for release & relief from the excruciating ache inside….
I’m home now.
Somewhat relieved but still hurting. As the fastidious young medico who attended to me said, “John. You are completely backed up with… “.
I’ll leave THAT to your imagination. Bless him.
I’m resting easy now, either completely full of crap or in deep need of letting go.
🤣🙄💩😳💩🙄🤣
What a trip, huh?
Keep your eye out ‘cos "COMING HOME The Long Way Back" is close to being unleashed upon the world.
Much love fellow travellers, you lovers of Life.
May you all rest easy knowing that - despite appearances - all is well.